Anger, Frustration or Inspiration

 I just feel compelled to write right now. Got a decent amount on my mind. Dad still has cancer and it's kicking his ass. Which I had to wipe the other night when he woke up in tears and needed help getting cleaned up.

God fucking damn it i hate cancer so much. My dad really is legit the best guy I know, his archaic beliefs not withstanding. 

We still got this obscene pandemic we have to deal with. I am so strung out on wearing masks at this point. Somedays I just wanna say fuck it, I have had enough of this privacy invasion and I just want my old life back, (our).

I'm still doing lots of cannabis and maybe a not too toxic amount of kratom. I tend to imbibe on a gummie or two and smoke until I self...goddamnit I can't even think of the word right now because my brain feels so fried right now. But like when you limit your smoke intake because you know you are approaching the point of wastefulness or being overwhelmingly stoned. 

Portioning? What the heck why can't I think of this word.

Anywho, I figured that if I don't write stuff down I will not remember, and if I don't even remember, how can I correct it?


Also, I think I may or may not finally be becoming more accepting of myself. I am not an evil person. I am at this point really just trying to unindoctrinate myself. 

Other "Perfect" games?

 Was just reading through some old posts and realized there are multiple "perfect" games that I was remiss to not mention.

The very first one to come to mind is Chrono Trigger. This also could be, the best game I have ever played. Every playthrough feels fresh even though I know the outcome. It is easily one of the ten best games I have ever played. The graphics (still!), story, music, combat, characters, it has everything a jrpg should but in spades.

Another "perfect" game that comes to mind is Sid Meier's Civilization (series). Somehow, this man has managed to create not one, but six, of the greatest games ever made. Each entry in the series continues to evolve but still manage to produce that "just one more turn" feeling. I am currently playing Civ 6 and loving it. 

Shining Force II. Simply the greatest game ever made for the Sega Genesis and I am willing to debate about it. Gameplay, Story, Music, Graphics, OST, yep. Shining Force II is probably my favorite strategy game of all time, it is easily my favorite srpg ever made (yes even next to FFT). Which brings us to....

Final Fantasy Tactics is my favorite entry into the Final Fantasy multiverse thus far. It made me love the world of Ivalice, now my favorite. This game has arguably near infinite replay value nowadays thanks to mods and updates. There are so many ways to play this game, so many party combinations, the possibilities might actually be near endless. 

Fatal Fury (Garou): Mark of the Wolves. This game is basically the perfect fighting game and i'm willing to make a fuss about it, so Rock Howard and friends will have their own entry dedicated to them.

No X

 Been following a plan where i pretty much do whatever I want but just don't do drug "X" and so far it's working out. 

I pretty much just smoke after work you know? Work hard play hard. I don't underdstand why cannabis has a stigma still and alcohol does not.

Now drug X should definitely have a stigma because it usually does. Ritalin, Crack, Heroin, Meth, Lean, yeah those should all have a stigma. And let's add lope to it. Why do I ALWAYS have to have a drug X? Have I changed that? Can I change that? So far it seems to work but I still get kinda loopy in the head. 

Sometimes I just get kinda sad and gnash my teeth like an Evangelion unit. Thankfully it is not nearly as bad as it has been before in the past. Sometimes I would be so depressed I would just lay in bed and contemplate suicide.

Typing these words kind of helps the negative emotions and feelings lose their power. It's just hard being human sometimes. The phrase "monkeys with anxiety" makes too much sense sometimes. 

"Earth - You don't have to be crazy to live there, but it helps." - Dr. Suess

Drug "X"

As long as I have partaken of cannabis it has almost always had an uncanny partner.....drug X. What is Drug X? It is whatever it wants to be. First, it was ritalin. Then, methadone. Next came adderall and of course loperamide after that. Some have very short life spans and some longer, but cannabis by itself has never been enough for me by itself except in certain situations and still not for long. 

I can't seem to be able to *just* smoke weed and be cool with it, i always need that little extra "push" to go with it, that combination is what seems to calm the demon. However, back in the "Van Buren" era, I had some luck with perhaps only toking or only drinking, the method i employed is that I never smoked or drank before or during work. That was it. And it worked, except for an occasional mushroom trip it worked. Where I get fucked up is when I start using before or during work because when one uses cannabis all the time it simply does not produce the desired effect except for MAYBE one's first rip of the day. 

Right now I am still withdrawing off loperamide and i think the physical effects are gone and some psychological effects may persist as well but i'm not certain. The psychological effects were most definitely in effect a few days ago, but today I did not need to take any type of anti-diarrheal or stomach medicine. 

Another piece i need to keep in mind is that i am no longer dependent on clonazepam. Klonopin is a highly addictive narcotic that I was on for 12 years and it increased drug-seeking behavior. Why the fuck was I on something like that for so long? Holy fuck, do I have the right doctor? He let me keep it until I admitted that i was abusing it but at least he was cool enough to let me taper off it. Nah, I think i have a really good pdoc, possibly the best. But should I even be seeing one? Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stopped taking all my meds and seeing mental health pro's, I wonder where I would end up?

Rock n' Roll

I love Rock music. It just makes me feel better, whether in a good or bad mood, if you add rock, it will improve.

If it wasn't for rock, man I don't know if I could make it. This music is therapuetic, in fact the last time that I felt a real spiritual connection was at a TOOL concert. I wonder what it would be like to hang out with MJK? I'm hoping such a meet and greet would involve some sort of social lubricant. I know the main is a vineyard, perhaps some Pinot Noir?

Probably chill and discuss MMA and cool shit. I think a lot of rock musicians would be awesome to kick it with. Lzzy Hale comes to mind immediately as she has already admitted that she partakes. Is there a connection between drugs and rock n roll? I don;'t know but I felt resistance to that and did not want to type it. 

Yeah im still taperin on down the 'Lope and its gettin interesting, luckily sleep is still on the schedule. 

Apparently I am a 2/2 Green creature that gives squirrels +1/+1.

My squrrel hasn't come back but i hope she is okay, it's funny is that I have noticed other squirrels being willing to come quite close to me, just not climb on me like my buddy did two days in a row.

Rock and Roll, I have really been into TOOL's 10,000 days recently. Vicarious might be my current favorite TOOL song, it just speaks to me, kinda like parabol/parabola. I don't think it's rock music that has a connection with drugs, i think it's MUSIC period, that has a connection to mind-altering substances or effects, they just make it sound more..........real? More material perhaps? All I know is that when you combine the two, your spirit awakes and touching the sky is possible.

What makes a "perfect" game?

Super Mario World. Street Fighter II. Super Metroid. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Megaman 3. Streets of Rage 2. Chrono Trigger. Shining Force 2. Final Fantasy Tactics.

These are games of a certain caliber, none of them have any glaring flaws be it technical, gameplay, etc. Programming at it's finest. Gameplay that is truly spectacular. And they all have that "it" factor that you can't put your finger on.....Maybe its all those moments.

Escaping from Planet Zebes after destroying Mother Brain. Finally besting M. Bison. Realizing you must now face the X bosses in Megaman 3. These are moments that are found throughout all these games, ones you never forget if you're a true gamer. So perhaps it's not any one thing that makes a game great, but a collection of moments? Having a good game mechanic is one thing, but when you can weave that into memorable moments, you have a winner.

There are some recent games that may make "the list" some are:

Bloodborne - the combat in this game is subpar to none. It is the apex of combat and mood mixed together, one will never forget their first journey through Yharnam. 

Guacamelee! 2 - there is literally nothing wrong with this game, it only continually pleases and shines. The platforming is absolutely diabolical and combat utterly satisfying. 

Rise of the Tomb Raider - this is the standard for 3rd person action games. This game gets it's hooks in you and then you will not stop until the task is complete. Bliss.

Forza Horizon 4 - this is one of the last two games to make me actually ask "is THIS the best game i've ever played?" Yes, it's that good. FH4 gives and gives and just when you can't take anymore goodness, they give you some more. This might be the most progressively satisfying game ever.

The Last of Us - this game has the best story of any game I have ever had the pleasure of gaming and also made me question whether or not it was the best game i've ever played.

Can't really think of anymore right now due to recent event's. This post may become an on-going topic.

Loperamide

Is the Illuminati really in control of everything? OTC medications might make you think so.

Loperamide is an anti-diarrheal that comes in 2mg tablets to help with cases of the the old Hershey squirts.

What not many people know, is that loperamide used to be in much higher doses....

And that it used to be a schedule II drug.

Why did it use to be a schedule II? Because it is, in fact, an opioid. The trick with loperamide is that it does not cross the blood-brain barrier at lower doses but did in fact at the old doses (to my belief, I have not been able to get actual readings of what past dosages were) or must have otherwise why would it have been put on schedule at all in the first place?

So what would a good junkie do whose been in the industry for years? megadose!

The first time I tried to get high off loperamide after thorough research i tried 48mg, this produced a mild effect but nothing to really write home about, and it probably only kept me stuck for a couple days. Next I decided to try the full 96mg since that was the "recommended" recreational dosage, i had my doubts but....

Holy shit this was like the strongest opiod buzz I have had since methadone, i'll definitely ride this out.

Next morning: holy shit I'm still high as fuck guess I'll just ride it out again.

2nd morning: How? How am I STILL this high?

Other than not having my daily constitutional this was a huge success, but of course, there aint no such thing as a free lunch and this definitely had its costs.......
For next few months/years I would "dose" between every massive constitutional and never in between (i think i can honestly say i still never have).

But eventually at 96mg you literally will not shit for at least 40 hours until the big one so never getting high on the second day, as the tolerance grew (as it always does) I wouldnt be high but wouldn't withdraw for at least 50ish hours so I would just sleep the 2nd day away every dose. So now i'm literally living half my life.

Then my hands would start getting numb. And then the twitches began. I've kicked this shit at least 2-3 times so I know the restless legs is coming but hopefully will only be half as bad as I was dosing only at half doses at the end because at that point i was taking it just to stave off withdrawal not to get high.

As of now it has been about 72 hours since my last "dose" and I hope to continue this streak, I can only imagine what I have done to my digestive tract over the last few years, but the human body is a miraculous thing I hope it can heal itself if treated properly.

Where am I at now? Just enjoying the Good Lord's bounty, and I think i've had two beers in the last 8 months? I would think of perhaps having a few beers to help with withdrawal but that will just lower my resistance and i may dose again, at least right now I feel like I have the power of choice and am no longer on "auto-pilot" when it comes to dosing. 

Yeah it sucks and it aint all gumdrops and lollipops, but I do feel more alive and my sex drive is crazy right now which is both a curse and a blessing (to know im good down there).

Hope you all are doing okay and happy trails!